Monday, June 25, 2012

QUERY BLOG HOP!

Before getting to the meat of today's post, I have announcement concerning T.A.A. I forgot to mention last week.


Musical Musings, and my other usual schedule postings will be on hiatus as I work through my offline life. 


But I do have an update worth sharing today.


Earlier this month, I signed up for a Query Blog Hop, started by the blog "Between The Sheets" by author/editor, Heather Webb.


For those too busy to read the whole rundown on Heather's blog, here's (roughly) how it works-


Writers who registered before 6/22/12, critique each other's query letter(s), maximum of two per entrant, and send a revised "final" version based on feedback, by Friday [6/29/12] at Midnight


The winner gets a free editorial critique of their first 2,000 words, and so I hope you'll offer your thoughts on one or both queries I share with you today. 


 This contest also gives me an opportunity to sharpen my own critiquing skills, which is still not a straightforward thing for me, but I'm trying. 


Without further delay, here are my entries- 


NOTE: Any changes differing from the norm of  "standard issue submission format" was done for ease of reading via the blog.




Query #1


Dear Agent, 


Gabriel Crisping loves pawing through junkyards, village alleys, dumpsters, salvaging the junk humans throw out—and he recycles them to build his inventions. While some of the forest residents appreciate his tinkering, the majority his fellow rats, even his best friend Rum Wheatland, think him a crazy dreamer. 


When a harsh storm blows in, ruining a promising dumpster dive, Gabriel seeks refuge in Mr. Quint’s toy shop. He finds a kindred spirit in the elderly toymaker, who loves theorizing and inventing contraptions as much as Gabriel does. Yet by befriending Mr. Quint, Gabriel has broken a universal law – he has spoken directly to a human! Gabriel keeps Mr. Quint a secret until Rum's parents are killed in a human trap. When Rum learns of Gabriel's friendship, he severs ties with him and focuses his anger on Mr. Quint, planning to wage war toward not only the old toymaker, but also humanity at large. 


The only way for Gabriel to save Mr. Quint is to stop Rum, whose grief sinks him into the madness and violence of vengeance. The only thing worse than losing an old friend, is betraying a new one, and maybe, he can save them both.


GABRIEL is a 34,000-word middle grade novel. Thank you for your time and consideration.




Query #2


Dear Agent,



Aurel Finnwhistle may be a weasel, but the only things crooked about him are the bent tip of his tail, and bent spike pearl he wears around his neck. This irregularly shaped 'Baroque Pearl' contains ancient magical properties from times gone by, and gives Aurel the ability to transform into a human, to both search for his elusive father, and to solve the mystery behind the dark powers that took his mother's life.

Henrietta Caulfield is a working class high school student who suppresses her dream to be fashion designer, to care for her father who is losing his eyesight due to a curse, and is determined to find a rare tea that is the only known cure to reversing her father's curse.

These worlds collide when Henrietta's best friend Orla reveals her identity as a weasel princess who escaped her kingdom when an army of unknown origins seized control. 

To save the queen and restore peace, Orla must create a team of warriors to defend her kingdom, and Aurel and Henrietta insist on standing by her. What they did not expect was to fall in love along the way.

THE BAROQUE WEASEL is a 50,000-word Young Adult novel.

Share your thoughts to either or both query letters in the comments below. What could be tighter? What read weird or unclear? Anything that seems off or confusing. 

Remember, the better you can explain and show WHY something doesn't work for you, the easier it is for the writer to fix it, or at least know it's there...

You can find the full list of writers in the blog hop here.

Best of luck to all of you.

Ciao for now,
Taurean

26 comments:

  1. In your first line of Gabriel, I'd add "and" before dumpsters to make it easier to read. I had to read it twice to figure out how it was meant. Adding and would easily fix that. Also add "of" before "his fellow rats" in the same paragraph.

    For the second query, delete the comma after tail in the first sentence. Other than that, I was really intrigued by this! Great job!

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    1. Thanks Kelly. You've a big help with Gabriel the last few years so this means a lot. But are you sure nothing felt "off" to you?

      Delete
  2. Hey! What an interesting story. :) :) I've snipped here and there and tried to condense your ideas. Feel free to ask questions or ignore my advice. You're on the right track!

    Gabriel Crisping the rat (what sort of animal/being is he—specify. Is he a rat?) loves pawing through junkyards and dumpsters to salvage the junk humans throw out—all to build his inventions. While some of the forest residents appreciate his tinkering, the majority of his fellow rats, even his best friend Rum Wheatland, think he’s a crazy dreamer.

    When a storm ruins a promising dumpster dive, Gabriel seeks refuge in Mr. Quint’s toy shop. He finds a kindred spirit in the elderly toymaker, who loves new contraptions as much as Gabriel. Yet by befriending Mr. Quint, Gabriel has broken a universal law – he has spoken directly to a human.

    Gabriel's friendship with Rum is put to the test when his best friend’s parents are killed in a trap. Not only must he XXX but he must persuade Rum not to wage a war against humanity, including Mr. Quint, his only human friend.

    GABRIEL is a 34,000-word (this seems short??) middle grade novel. Give us a comparison novel or author who has a similar style or at least exhibits similar themes to yours. I’d put this at the top of this query in this case, instead of diving right into the query.

    BIO paragraph of a few sentences.

    Thank you for your time and consideration.

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    1. Thanks so much, Heather. Here are my questions (Had to sleep on them)-

      1. Why would the word count stuff be better first? Maybe that's just me, but it feels gimmicky to put it on top, and I guess I feel like there'd be more of a pull to read a bit about the actual story before the more business/technical stuff.

      2. I thought context made it clear Gabriel is a rat, but I guess not, and I think this came from trying to get the reader to look past the stigma of my subject matter, and (ideally) not think I don't do it with care and thought, which readers of the actual book from all walks of life say I do, and I hope as a fellow writer you get that, even though I don't think it makes your comment any less valid, by the way.

      3. Well, some of the other queries for MG books in this contest have been under 30,000 words, and considering this is 34,000 words is not longer than it needs to be, I think that makes the difference. At least that's what my research has shown me.

      4. Oy, the Author bio. I didn't include it because I really have nothing worth noting. I don't

      I feel like I get the runaround with this advice in particular. Either I hear it's okay to skip it or I need to say something. But what can I say?

      I have no awards, major contest wins, I'm not a member of SCBWI (I was but can't afford to renew right now), and I have no past sales to mention? This is a business letter so I'm lost as to how personal I can be without just looking tacky. What's your take on this?

      Delete
  3. This is an adorable concept, and I could see my own girls loving this. I think it needs some trimming and the what he must do.



    Gabriel Crisping, a rat, loves pawing through junkyards, village alleys, dumpsters, salvaging the junk humans throw out to build his inventions. While some of the forest residents appreciate his tinkering, the majority his fellow rats, even his best friend Rum Wheatland, think he's a crazy dreamer.


    When a harsh storm blows ruins a promising dumpster dive, Gabriel seeks refuge in Mr. Quint’s toy shop. He finds a kindred spirit in the elderly toymaker, who loves inventing contraptions as much as Gabriel. Yet by befriending Mr. Quint, Gabriel has broken a universal law – he has spoken directly to a human! (Gabriel keeps Mr. Quint a secret until Rum's parents are killed in a human trap - this feels off. Why would he tell his friend he broke the universal law when his parents die.) Gabriel's new friendship is threatened when Rum vows to wage war on Mr. Quint and also humanity at large. (Did Mr. Quint's traps kill his parents? His revenge doesn't quite make sense.)


    Gabriel must save Mr. Quint, but to do so he must face his best friend as an enemy. If he can't ______ he may lose them both. (Stakes - what is he risking?)


    GABRIEL is a 34,000-word middle grade novel. Thank you for your time and consideration. I looked up the target: middle grade fiction = Anywhere from 25k to 40k, with the average at 35k

    Not sure if this is correct - 35,000 feels short, but MG is much shorter.

    Good luck and I hope this helped.

    I'll stop back for the other one.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Well done! I particularly like the way you ended it. You conveyed the action and tone of the story well. I just put in a couple tweeks:

    Gabriel Crisping loves pawing through junkyards, village alleys, and dumpsters, salvaging the junk humans throw out. He recycles them to build his inventions. While some of the forest residents appreciate his tinkering, the majority of his fellow rats, even his best friend Rum Wheatland, believe him to be a crazy dreamer.


    When a harsh storm blows in, ruining a promising dumpster dive, Gabriel seeks refuge in Mr. Quint’s toy shop. He finds a kindred spirit in the elderly toymaker, who loves inventing contraptions as much as Gabriel does. Yet by befriending Mr. Quint, Gabriel has broken a universal law – he has spoken directly to a human. Gabriel keeps Mr. Quint a secret until Rum's parents are killed in a human trap. When Rum learns of Gabriel's friendship, he severs ties and focuses his anger on Mr. Quint, planning to wage war on the old toymaker and on humanity at large.


    For Gabriel to save Mr. Quint, he must stop Rum, whose grief sinks him into the madness and violence of vengeance. The only thing worse than losing an old friend, is betraying a new one, and maybe, he can save them both.

    okay, here's the next:

    Aurel Finnwhistle may be a weasel, but the only crooked things about him are the curved tip of his tail, and bent pearl he wears around his neck. This irregularly shaped 'Baroque Pearl' contains ancient magical properties, giving Aurel the ability to transform into a human, to search for his elusive father and solve the mystery behind the dark powers that took his mother's life.

    Henrietta Caulfield is a working class high school student, who dreams of becoming a fashion designer, but instead cares for her father. She is determined to find a rare tea that is the only known cure for his failing eyesight.


    That's a start.... best wishes

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    1. Thanks Lisa. I just critiqued your query. I hope I helped you a little.

      Taurean

      Delete
  5. For Query one, I like the advice you've already received.

    I still like the closing line you had but I would change it slightly. "The only thing worse than losing an old friend, is betraying a new one, BUT PERHAPS, he can save them both."

    For Query two, I just have to say that I always found cross-species romance a little...strange, IMO. (And perhaps this book just isn't for me, so take all my comments with a few hefty teaspoons of salt;) So, perhaps if you could somehow paint Aurel as guy who can be both weasel and human, rather than a weasel that is sometimes human, I could swallow it better.

    For introducing Henrietta, I'd cut: "and is determined to find a rare tea that is the only known cure to reversing her father's curse." The "army of unknown origins" could be cut, it sounds vague, and not as sinister.

    Perhaps rewording the next line (and I may be completely messing up your details) "When Aurel shows up in Henrietta's hometown, Orla's hope is renewed. Henrietta and Aurel are determined to help her regain her throne. As they work together to raise Orla's army, their friendship deepens. And they wonder if they could possibly have any real future together."

    Anyway...take what you will from my comments. I like animal literature (Watership Down was a favorite in my teens), but it takes a lot of work and slight of hand to make sentient animals and sympathetic humans come together in literature for the YA crowd and upward. Truly, the best of luck to you. I hope you will succeed.

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    1. Thanks for stopping by, Amelia. I'm glad Gabriel went over okay. That might be the one I go with when I send my revised version to Heather.

      As for The Baroque Weasel-

      This is not your fault, but I'm kind of touchy about Watership Down, because it's just HARD, and frankly maddening, having this book, and others like it "In my shadow", so to speak.

      I can't help what's come before, but I can only be ME, not someone else. This is more a "short" commentary on why "comparing my books to others" drives me insane. Again, not your fault, and I still get why you brought it to my attention, all I can tell you is I'll try to stay open to new ideas when I do my next rewrite, Gabriel's had a full decade of my attention, The Baroque Weasel's been and off and on project, so that might have a hand in the mixed reactions it got overall.

      Plus, my hatred of query letters in general also colors any "perfectionist" emotions you or others might gather. I feel more confident in the actual stories, than the queries I'm forced to write, that's the best I can explain it without giving you an epic editorial on the subject.

      I get how you feel about Aurel and Henrietta and cross-species stuff, but I do think I'm doing what's right for this story, and changing it as you suggested doesn't work, and I did try that once, but it just came off like I was irritating Twilight, NOT my intention at all.

      But it does the broadstrokes of what you're suggesting, but that was definitely not an accurate impression of my story either, but I appreciate your honesty.

      I feel the same way about psychotic perverts (Real or fictionalized) that you cross-species relations, but what can you do?

      Again, thanks for taking the time to making an effort.

      Delete
    2. Correction: IMITATING Twilight, that was "irritating." No offense to fans intended.

      Delete
  6. Okay, here's my take on query two:

    Aurel Finnwhistle may be a weasel, but the only things crooked about him are the bent tip of his tail, and bent spike pearl he wears around his neck. The Baroque Pearl contains ancient magical properties that give Aurel the ability to transform into a human—the form he must become to find his elusive father and to uncover the dark powers that took his mother's life.

    Sixteen-year-old Henrietta Caulfield suppresses her dreams of fashion design to care for her cursed father. (I’d rework this sentence) and is determined to find a rare tea that is the only known cure to reversing her father's curse.

    These worlds collide when Henrietta's best friend Orla reveals her identity as a weasel princess who escaped her kingdom when an army of Origins seized control. Aurel and Henrietta insist on helping Olra save the queen and restore peace. But they did not expect to fall in love along the way.

    THE BAROQUE WEASEL is a 50,000-word Young Adult novel.

    Short bio paragraph here:

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  7. Gabriel Crisping loves pawing through junkyards, village alleys, dumpsters, salvaging the junk humans throw out—and he recycles them to build his inventions. (I love this. It needs a little rewording because there is redundancy in using junkyard and salvaging junk—all of these descriptions create the exact same image.) While some of the forest residents appreciate his tinkering, the majority his fellow rats, even his best friend Rum Wheatland, think him a crazy dreamer. (Good stuff. Gabriel is interesting.)


    When a harsh storm blows in, ruining a promising dumpster dive, Gabriel seeks refuge in Mr. Quint’s toy shop. He finds a kindred spirit in the elderly toymaker, who loves theorizing and inventing contraptions as much as Gabriel does. (Intriguing!) Yet by befriending Mr. Quint, Gabriel has broken a universal law – he has spoken directly to a human! Gabriel keeps Mr. Quint a secret (I would combine these thoughts into one sentence, then combine the following, see below) until Rum's parents are killed in a human trap. When Rum learns of Gabriel's friendship, he severs ties with him and focuses his anger on Mr. Quint, planning to wage war toward not only the old toymaker, but also humanity at large. 

    You have a great style! There are some sentences that can be condensed, if you would like: Gabriel develops a friendship with Mr. Quint despite the universal law forbidding communication with a human. When Rum learns of Gabriel's secret friendship, he severs ties with him and (unfairly?) blames Mr. Quint for the human trap that killed his parents. Driven by grief and madness Rum wages war not only the old toymaker, but also humanity at large. 

    The only way for Gabriel to save Mr. Quint is to stop Rum. (Add a new line that leads into what betraying a new friend means so the next sentence resonates.) The only thing worse than losing an old friend, is betraying a new one, (but) maybe (instead of maybe can you give just a hint of what he might do? But if he can blah, blah, blah, then maybe he can save them both.)

    What an adorable story. I am already smitten with Gabriel (ah, I love the name as I have one in my story too. Lol) I can just see Garbriel and Mr. Quint talking and nodding their heads together. Your premise is lovely. Please take my suggestion with a grain of salt. I always look to see if there’s something I say to give another perspective, and I liked your query very much. :)

    Also-- I did not look at Heather's suggestions before I wrote mine. As always, I have to say her ideas are always the best and you should follow her guiding hand.

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    1. Thanks for sharing your thoughts, D.D.F.

      I'm glad this came off better than #2 did for you. I seriously struggle with teasing without being annoyingly vague, so you rightly exposed my weakness there.

      Delete
  8. Okay-- just saw the second query. May I suggest choosing the most important points and eliminating some of the finer detail. I can see you have a terrific story planned, but some of the smaller points were muddying the overarching premise. For instance, May I pick on Henrietta? we don't need to know she wants to be a fashion designer, or that her father is specifically ill with a eye disease--just stating she must suppress a dream career to care for an ailing father under a curse is sufficient for a query. You would only mention the fashion bit if it figures prominently in the conflict. I hope that helps. :)

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    1. Okay, can you be more clear to WHY?

      I made the changes, and I only dropped from 201 (Which is still well under the "boiling point" of 250) to 193. Besides, it sounds too vague to even be a (relevant) tease. I could use more guidance to what you mean.

      Delete
    2. As far as being vague, what do you expect when you're confined to a one page latter? I know what you're saying, but I feel like I'm eliter too detailed, or not detailed enough, all at the same time!

      (Sigh...)

      You especially felt Query #2 was "too long" yet still unfairly vague.
      So, I'm not left with much idea of what you mean or what I can do about it. I'm not disagreeing with you, I'd just appreciate being more clear about what you mean and why, knowing the "why?" lets me be closer to a better query letter.

      Delete

      Delete
    3. Hi! I don't think you're vague in the query with Henrietta-- did you really mean to post this reply to me (only b/c I don't remember using the words "too long" or "vague" in my feedback)? If so, I'll try to explain my thoughts: As I read the query, I felt pulled in different directions by all of the details (the smaller points not related to the goal, motivation or conflict.) They are great fodder for the story, but as I began to lose sight of your premise (the clear purpose of the story) my mind drifted.

      When I first read a query I want to be intrigued by the character, understand what drives her/him/them and whether I can relate to it, and be excited over their conflict (what they are up against.) That's the hook for me.

      May I break down your second paragraph to illustrate?
      Henrietta Caulfield is a working class (this is an ordinary detail does not add anything unless her status becomes a conflict in the story. For instance--she lives a caste conscious society and her middle status is blocking what she needs to do) high school student (this is basic detail that is needed b/c I want to know who the book is written for) who suppresses her dream to be fashion designer (it's enough to know her dream is suppressed, I'd leave out the fashion designer bit unless that specific dream figures into your main conflict), to care for her father who is losing his eyesight (it's enough to know her father is ill, but listing the specific illness muddies what I'm trying to understand, which is what is your book about. Is it about his eye illness? If not then you want to skip the finer detail regarding it.) due to a curse (now this is very interesting and something you can expound on a little), and is determined to find a rare tea that is the only known cure to reversing her father's curse. (this last bit is perfect. But where is the conflict over it? Because after this I begin reading about saving a kingdom. If her finding the tea isn't what your book is about then you have to take this piece out and relate all of her conflict to your main premise.)
      I hope this helps! I think you have wonderful ideas and I apologize for any confusion. :)

      Delete
  9. Now for Query # 2. I am not sure whose point of view this is from. Is it Aurel? Or are there multiple POV? From this query, I am not sure.

    Aurel Finnwhistle may be a weasel, but the only things crooked about him are the bent tip of his tail, and bent spike pearl he wears around his neck. The Baroque Pearl contains ancient magical properties that give Aurel the ability to transform into a human—the form he must become to find his elusive father and to uncover the dark powers that took his mother's life. (Like Heather's rewrite here)

    (For me, the second paragraph feels like an entirely different query. Can you show the relationship with a transition or stay from Aurel's POV and show how Henrietta fits?)

    On the trail of the missing weasel princess, Aurel meets Henrietta Caulfield. She pushes aside her dreams of becoming a fashion designer to care for her father,

    (who is losing his sight due to a curse – I don’t like this part. Whose mysterious loss of sight is closely related to Aurel’s search – or something to pull this together.) Henrietta leads him right to Princess Orlas, who escaped her kingdom when an army of unknown origins seized control. But Henrietta need help too – a rare tea to reverse her father’s curse.

    Or this might be true:

    Aurel asks Orla, the weasel princess who escaped her kingdom when an army of unknown origins seized control, for help. Orla introduces him to her best friend – an actual human Henrietta Caulfield.

    (How does this relate to Aurel and his search?) To save the queen and restore peace, Orla must create a team of warriors to defend her kingdom, and Aurel and Henrietta insist on standing by her. What they did not expect was to fall in love along the way. (What are the stakes for them personally? I am not sure what they stand to loose.)

    I hope this helps. This will really come along if you can tie the thing together or narrow your focus. Good luck.

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    1. Wow, I didn't realize it was that confusing. I was more thinning about trying to be compact and get what I felt was important to the story than specific POV.

      I think this comes from trying to be so compact in the confines of a query, and also writing in standard present tense is NOT my best thing in the first place. I'll keep that in mind for later. Thanks

      Delete
  10. What a cool idea. :) Instant tension with the war between his only two friends. Here are my suggested edits:

    Gabriel Crisping loves exploring junkyards, alleys and dumpsters, salvaging the junk humans throw out. He recycles them to build his inventions. While some of his fellow residents in the forest appreciate his Franklin-esque talent, most of them just think he’s crazy.

    When a harsh storm blows into the village outside the forest, ruining his most promising dumpster dive in weeks, Gabriel seeks refuge in the village toy shoppe. He finds a kindred spirit in the elderly toymaker, who loves theorizing and inventing contraptions as much as Gabriel does. Gabriel keeps this relationship a secret from the other rats in his colony, telling only his best friend, Rum.

    Speaking to a human, much less befriending one, is punishable by death. But Gabriel’s secret comes out when Rum’s parents are killed by a human trap, and Rum is out for revenge. Rum sets the wheels in motion for an all-out war against the humans, with the toymaker as his focus.

    Gabriel is torn between the friends. The only thing worse than losing an old friend like Rum, is betraying a new one. But maybe, just maybe, he can save them both.

    GABRIEL is a middle grade novel complete at 34,000 words.

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  11. Sorry I'm late - my electricity went off last night for three hours!

    I thought both queries were really good, and quite honestly don't have much to offer by way of advice. In the first I only thought changing the "and" to "but" (ie. he only thing worse than losing an old friend, is betraying a new one, (and) but maybe, he can save them both.

    The second I got a little confused on who was the princess. From the way the sentence was worded, I had to work hard to figure out it was Orla who was the princess, so maybe just a little clarification there?

    I liked your opening line about Aurel Finnwhistle, too. I thought it was cute!

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    1. No apology needed, Lara, that happens.

      Frankly, I had a hard time getting what critiques I could get done yesterday myself, no blackout required. Thanks for sharing.

      Delete
  12. I don't write in present tense either, and it truly is SO hard to switch. I can hardly do it at all. The confines of the query are really tough. If you don't know about Absolute Write, you might want to check it out on my Favorites page of my website. Lots of great help there.

    The over simplified query formula is: [WHO] has to [WHAT] on [WHERE] during [WHEN] because if they don't [HOW], [WHY] will happen.

    I answer each of the questions for the MC and then build the query. Not that mine is an exemplar! LOL I think query letters are pure evil. It is such a different and uncomfortable form of writing.

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  13. Taurean, your GABRIEL query is lovely. Really, good job! You have been working hard on it, haven't you? It shows. :-)

    For your BAROQUE WEASEL query, the only suggestion I have is in the very first sentence. In this bit, "but the only things crooked about him are the bent tip of his tail, and bent spike pearl he wears around his neck", you use the word 'bent' twice. Truly, that's the ONLY gripe I have about it. I love the premise of the BAROQUE WEASEL.

    GOOD LUCK!! :-)

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  14. Taurean, just a last minute note to say that, like everyone else, I love the premise for Gabriel. When I was in my early 20s I had three pet rats who lived on my body (inside my t-shirt) - at different times! Your query took me back 25 years. My one word of advice, if you can call it that, is: if you've never interacted with a rat first-hand, get one or two before you complete the story. They have very strong personalities and getting to know a couple will only improve your main characters and your story.

    ReplyDelete